(8/10/98)

Recently, I realized that I am not immortal. Not because of a freak accident, or

near death experience, but just by mere innovation. That got me thinking how I could die

at any time, and since I wouldn’t get to leave my knowledge and wisdom behind, my soul

would be forever restless. Bad things always happen to someone else, right? Well part

of my mental evolution has brought me with the insight that I am someone else to

approximately 5 billion people! I write this manifesto, so that in the event of my sudden

death, everything about who I am, what I stand for, what I think about and what I believe

will be available to the general public.

All will not be lost. Even though I doubt many people would take the time to

read it, it would quench my soul knowing that the possibility is there. I wouldn’t feel as

bad knowing that I wrote this and no one read it, because at least I haven’t failed myself.

I cannot control others, so they fail themselves as well by not reading this.

At the age of 18, I have taken a life longevity test, which says chances are, I will

live to be 90 years old. I have tested my IQ recently and it was 138, from a test that stops

at 143. Also two different tests rang up at 143(both of these were taken at one in the

morning). One of the 143’s makers claim a plus minus 5 points accuracy (generally).

And another test taken around noon gave a result of 153, out of a highest possible 170.

But even though I have a high IQ which was determined by a test, I would have to say

that I pretty much don’t believe any kinds of tests.

I think that tests are all biased to some degree. They generally test only what you

can remember either from short-term memory (as most often used) or from long -term

memory. Test scores are affected by the takers mood, amount of sleep, food intake, and

even the same for the one grading the test, (whether or not the grader is automated or

human). Tests can never test someone on everything about one subject, and there is

always so much that you know about a subject that you don’t get tested on. I always

seem to be tested on the only things I can’t remember.

Going hand-in-hand with my last paragraph, I don’t believe in cramming before a

test, and I usually limit myself on studying a few days before the test. I think that tests,

even though evil, were designed for people to find out what people know, not what we

can memorize and remember for one day.

For me, school is tough. Not so much because the work is so hard, but because

many times I don’t feel very motivated to apply myself. I am so busy thinking about

more important things, like the nature of the universe, and how everything works, or

could work. Because of that, my schoolwork sort of rides in the back seat. I want to do

my homework and get good grades on it, but it is so frustrating to concentrate when you

are constantly thinking about more meaningful things.

I very much enjoy writing. Writing science fiction, poems and letters. Heck! I

just love writing. Usually my writing is very personal and descriptive, although

sometimes people say it’s too descriptive. But I guess reading is like eating, not everyone

likes the same toppings on their pizza. When I write poetry, I usually have the last word

or so rhyme, but I can’t stand the same sound over and over, much like today’s “pop” rap.

When I write, I generally get a fairly clear picture of everything that is going to happen in

the story all at once, and it frustrates me to have to write everything out in sequential

order. I wish I could write everything at once.

I think that my wish to write what I am thinking has driven me to be a rather fast

typer. I’m not crazily fast, rite now I probably type a bout 75 words per minute, but

that’s faster than most people. I have also got the weird knack for being able to type

pretty fast with only one hand. In fact, faster than many people my age can with both

hands. When typing email, or personal letters that only I will read, I almost never use

capital letters. Whether it be at the beginning of each sentence, or for a proper noun. I

guess I didn’t ever see the meaning in it, and it’s quicker and easier for me that way. I

say you should concentrate on what is being said and how, not what the type looks like.

Usually I use complete sentences. Never fragments. I have recently became fond

of explaining things in parenthesis after a statement or idea(I always need to explain

myself, to me and others). I do have a run-on sentence every now-and-then, but then I

guess many others do too, so I wouldn’t fret about that. But my reason for creating them

is probably different than most. I don’t make them because I don’t know better, I think I

do it when I just have too much floating around in my head, or there is an idea that is too

great to be broken up by a period. But there is always going to be the occasion when I

did it just because I plain forgot.

Oh yeah, in a group of words with multiple commas, the very last comma really

peeves me, such as in the following. I hate this, “apples, oranges, and grapes.” I like this

“cars, bars and stars.” I’m not really sure why I hate that, but maybe I don’t see the need

for a comma and an ‘and.’

Most likely spawned by my urge to write faster, more efficiently or even more

unique, I have some weird “hobbies.” Well, I’m not sure if you could call them hobbies,

but for now I’ll use this because of lack of a better word.

One of these pastimes, is that I am always intrigued in backwards writing.

Sometimes I sign my name, or write epitaphs backwards, so that they can be read

normally when viewed in a mirror. I have gotten pretty good at writing this way, and can

write very accurately (though sometimes I mess up the S’s). I can even write this way

with my left hand, being that my right hand is dominant. Strangely enough, writing with

the opposite backwards, almost feels natural.

Another weird thing I have taught myself to do, is to write the same thing with

both hands at the same time. It is fairly hard to do this both forwards, but if I make my

left hand go backwards, it is much easier. The only problem with this is since my hands

are writing away from each other, after a few words, I can only concentrate on one hand

at a time.

These are all recently found/acquired talents, but one that I have had for a while is

reading and writing upside down. I don’t do much of this anymore, so my skills had

probably diminished, but for a time, I remember I thought that was the coolest thing ever.

One of my ultimate goals in this area, is to write with both hands at the same

time, but each hand is writing something different. Maybe I could even think of a way to

have both hands write the same sentence but alternate words so I write twice as fast.

On another issue dealing with language and letters, I have always wanted to

create my own language. It would have its own set of grammar rules, character sounds,

characters, etc. This language would be a simple language, but would allow for

creativity at the same time. Maybe it could even be like a power econ button in my car,

where the econ mode is basic stuff, not very complicated. Then for writing stories and

such, the power mode could be used, allowing more freedom and creativity. This

language would be designed so that it could be spoken fast and clearly. It would be

stutter free, no more stupid and tounge-twinsting syllables, etc. Except maybe in the

power mode.

Before I stop writing in this session, I have to put down on paper something I just

realized. The last few weeks I have been getting many weird notions. The sudden idea

for me to write my manifesto seemed cool at first, and it is kind of fun. The thing I just

realized though, is that I might know that I’m going to die soon, maybe some part of my

subconscious knows, and drove me to write this. That would be pretty freaky. If I do die

soon, all I hope is that this is finished. But I do doubt that any manifesto/autobiography

is truly finished. There is always something more that needs to be added or changed in

the picture.

(8/12/98)

Ever since I can remember I have had weird feelings and deja vuz. Yeah

everyone has deja vuz t a certain degree, but in the last few years, its been more than that

to me. Starting with my move to pentwater, my mind and body has been enlightened

greatly, escaping the demands of a big school. I have had more time to think about

meaningful stuff, oppose to thinking about how to act, what people to avoid and what to

wear. Starting with the move, I could actually be me, or at least mostly me. Since then,

all my mental abilities, heck, all my sense have seemed to been augmented. I have great

vision, being able to read point 7 font from twenty feet away, or something like that. I

can also hear sounds lower and higher than most people. I can hear a sound from almost

every electronic device in operation. especially TV’s or monitors. Those are the worst. I

also noticed that my ability to depict smell and taste have increased, but for some reason

the smell of a skunk doesn’t bother me much anymore.

Anyway, I have had many strange experiences with deja vuz type stuff. For a few

months in very early 1998, I kept a log of all my dreams. I’m not quite sure why I started

this, but I hope to soon continue it after few month break from this process. One day I

went to a church retreat and the whole 3 days I was there, it felt like deja vuz. It was one

of the strangest, most vivid experiences I have had yet. When I got home, I was reading

the drams I wrote down, and surely enough, the night before I went, I had a dream about

that retreat. On paper, I had described what happened, who was there and what the

general church looked like (I had never been there before). At the retreat, there were

over a hundred people, and they had everyone’s name in a hat. They were picking names

out of the hat, and the winners won cool soup mugs. I think there were three mugs, but

anyway, I wasn’t even paying attention, then suddenly I got the notion that my name was

going to be called. Sure enough, a few seconds later, “Russ Jensen?” and now I have a

soup mug.

The last few weeks. I don’t think I have made it through a day without a weirdly

strange experience. I’ll just go through and name a few. Once I was listening to a CD

player, plugged into the wall with the extension cord across a doorway, and I had the

sudden urge to grab the cord where it plugs into the CD player. I held it for a few

seconds, then a kid at camp came running through, ripping the extension cord right out of

the wall. If I hadn’t held the cord, my player would have broked into teeny-tiny pieces,

making my cry. After all, I had only bought it the week before.

The day before that happened, I was at firebowl (at my church camp, we sing

songs and watch the fire), when I fell into a trance-like hypnosis. I was staring off into

the woods, and while I was like that it was like I could feel my brain working. I could

hear everyone (about 160 people) all singing, and I could hear them all at the same time,

individually. Not like normal where you here everything as a whole, and then you have

to think about it to listen to only one person. I was listening to everyone individually at

the same time. The suddenly I got this awesome idea/innovation, which is probably

never provable or unprovable, but it could help explain deja vuz and many other weird

things such as schizophrenia, “reincarnation”, or flashbacks.

This idea was so awesome and complex, that when I awoke and found myself

back at firebowl, like any other dream, all I could remember how cool of an idea it was,

but I couldn’t remember the details. The next day though, Kelli Spencer and I were

talking, and something that she had said brought back to my memory what it was about.

Later that day I remembered the whole entire process, (that was shortly before the CD

player incident). Kelli, if you are reading this, I want to thank you, because if it wasn’t

for you, I wouldn’t have thought of this cool idea.

I’m going to try to explain this idea later in the paper, but I have to explain other

things ahead of it, so you know where I’m coming from.

Ever since I moved to Pentwater, I have a been a very free thinker. I was a

somewhat original thinker before then, but not nearly as creative. I have thought of many

new ideas, ideas about many things in this world, or others. I have decided that 0 is

actually infinity, and can’t be represented on a 2d graph (numberline). The answers to

square roots and the like with zero in the problem lies on a different plane. I could

explain this more, but I won’t rite more.

Also, I have formulated an idea that when sound is created, there are also minute

light waves that are created. This would work in vice verso where something hit by light

creates sound. This would work because the way at atom works, it is not a solid ball, so

when a sound wave ripples through a substance, each atom affected compresses and then

decompresses, or changes shape(kind of like a bouncing water balloon). Since the

electrons are changing orbit, they must be giving off photons, or absorbing (light). This

works the other way around in that when photons with the atoms, they expand, sending a

small ripple through the substance, therefore you have your sound.

Along these same lines, I have devised a device that could be used to listen to an

object. It would shoot a laser beam or something, and by the way the laser beam comes

back, it could tell how the object was vibrating, converting that into its sound. it would

be like a large CD player, how the laser bounces off of the bumps(which when the disc is

spinning make it into a vibration(if you looked at just the surface at only one point up

close, it would appear to be vibrating.) the only difference is that CDs are digital, and this

would be analog(like a record player).

Another thing I have thought hard about, is what exactly goes on inside of an

atom, and how it is made. I have spent many hours drawing possible solutions, but only

to no avail. I might be close, but one thing I know, is that there is no smallest particle.

Everything has to be made of something smaller... and be part of something larger.

Hmm, I wonder if it all loops back together...

A few days ago, I figured out why atoms vibrate and shake around. The way a

electron orbits an atom, is not a perfect circle. If you can picture it in your mind, a few

little things going in odd directions, sure to make the atom shake. The reason why the

atom shakes more when it warms up, is because the electrons are moving faster, and

going in even weirder orbits. Think of it as a sort of bumble ball, you know that battery

operated toy that bounces around? if you look at a diagram of an atom, you might

wonder how the electrons could go in a non-circular path, because they draw it all neat

and stuff. actually, the way they draw it is each path is the spot where you would most

likely find that electron, so they are not even.

One thing that has really frustrated me, is how come no one has made a computer

program that takes into its memory all the known data about the periodic chart, and

figure out the stable isotopes for the radioactive elements. The problem I always saw

with the way they make heavier than life particles, was that when you bombard it with

alpha particles and the like, your not mixing in the right amount of ingredients. That

would be like expecting that if you threw some flour, water, sugar and yeast into a bowl,

you would get a loaf of bread. What this computer program would do, is it would figure

out the perfect formulas by checking to see what already works. Also, I always want to

type “werks” when I type. It is so much faster than works, and it looks cooler too.

(8/18/98)

One thing I have realized and that annoys me a lot, is that many times ant say on

task. such as I will get the sudden urge to want to write this, but then many times if I

don’t start writing right away, I don’t want to write anymore. then other times I will

write forever. many things thought, I cant do for very long before I get bored. even if I

know the outcome is great, and the rewards are good.

(8/19/98)

something that goes with the last tidbit, is that for dome reason, I am satisfied just

to think of something, rather than do it. I like to think of new ideas, new theories, and

the such. But unlike many people, I don’t find a need to prove them. also, I like to think

of new board games, inventions, and I many times will illustrate and describe what goes

on, but I almost never actually try to carry out those instructions. Some day, someone

will find a buncg of my drawings and freak out, because I bet that many of them could be

real “products”. Who knows, someone might even get rich off of me! Then wouldn’t I

feel special.

Oh yeah, something off subject, although there really isn’t a subject in this paper.

For the last few years, I have been very angry at my parents and how they raised me up.

My social life as a child, and even now, really sucked. I didn’t dance my first slowdance

until I was 17, and until this date, I have never had a girlfriend, or kissed anyone.(until

early in my senior year) I had been really pissed off about everything that I have missed

out in life, and all of the social skills I don’t have. But very recently, along with many

other ideas and discoveries about myself, I realized something. I had been thinking about

how the slightest thing can change the outcome of a situation greatly in the end, and then

I realized that if I had been brought up like all of the people around me, I would just be

another Joe schmoe. But somehow, in all my life of seclusion, I have developed, or let

surface, a better way of thinking.

When I talk about this stuff, (even though I don’t think I ever have) I always think

that people will think I’m bragging about how much smarter I am than they are. well,

here’s what I have to say about that. I know that some people are smarter than others,

some act smarter, some are smarter than they act and some are just dumb. But even all of

that depends of what your definition of smart is. I am a free thinker, and that allows me

to think about things that, for many people, would leave their mind a mess. What I

believe, is that nearly everybody has the ability to think like I do, and I know some do,

(I’m looking for them) but no one wants to unlock that ability. Its a hidden talent, that

seems to be shunned upon, so no one falls for it. If you think about it, why would the

non-free thinker want to become a free thinker, when they could live their life boringly

without a care, never thinking about what is happening, why and could happen.

thinking like I do is a strain on me every day. many times I am thankful that I get

to go to sleep, not so much beaus I need the rest, but because I cant wait for my dreams. I

have a weird knack of remembering many of my dreams from each night, and for a

while, I even wrote them down in the morning. Hmm, I think as soon as school starts, I

will do that again. anyway, I go thorough each day, almost as an un-noticed observer. I

hear everything, see everything, and sense everything that happens around me. not much

goes unnoticed for me. many times, if someone asks me what I did a certain day, I cant

remember. I do remember however, what everyone around me did. I see insight on

many different situations, and many people frustrate me on how closed-minded they

could be and are. I see problems from all angles, actually more than all angles. In a split

second I can envision everything that would happen to me or someone in the next year,

affected by one action, then I change that one action and the vision changes. that must be

one of the reasons I have good ideas, is because in my head I see what works, even

though its not already there in real life.

I don’t just observe the people around me and what I do, I also notice the

surroundings and any objects there. I will see something one day, and the next day I will

think of something that needs to be done and the things I saw the day before would help,

so I would go get that thing. the strange part is that if anyone were watching me, they

would wonder if I was strange or something, because I don’t usually use conventional

tools. here is an example. at church camp, out side of our cabins there were the

electrical boxes, and each one had a metal cover that was rusty and fairly sharp. I just

noticed that and remembered. a few days later I got shoelaces in the mail from my mom,

because the ones I had in my shoes were screwed up. I could get one of my laces out of

the shoe because it was so badly ruined, and I had noting in the cabin to cut the lace with.

seconds later I was outside, cutting the lace with the cover to the electrical box. it

worked like a charm...

(8/20/98)

One things that has always fascinated me, is TV shows, books and movies in

which a history created. I don’t really know if that is the right way to say it, but I’m

talking about things like star trek, Dinotopia, etc. Things in which the creators

completely wrote a background. I like backgrounds. I have also been working on, or off,

making a world of my own. just something that when I get bored, or someone else does,

than can look at the map, and see islands, continents and the like, and then they can look

at each thing up close, showing all of the buildings and even a history about the people

that lived there, and what they did. Stuff like that makes me really giddy. its almost like

I’m the creator, of my own world.

Many times if someone around me looks at me, and I’m silent, I seem to be in a

daze. in that daze, I am in complete thought. I think about everything... When I’m in

that daze, its almost like I am using all of my brain, like the walls inside my head are

temporarily destroyed, allowing me to use my full potential. I’m pretty sure that I cant

use my brain like that, but that’s not really what matters, its the feeling that I am. I think

that in most things, the ability to think you can do something, to actually think you can,

not just pretend you can, is more important that physically being able to do it. I think that

mental power is much more important than physical power(to a degree I guess).

9/14/98

Something that I found interesting that i learned a long time ago, but i just

remembered, is the following. I was watching the discovery channel and there was some

scientist that did a bunch of research on the earth’s polarity. he found that every now and

then (hundreds of thousands of years) the earths polarity switches. ofr example, the south

pole would become north, compasses would switch. this process, of actually switching

takes a few hundred years or so itself, so there is a period when the magnetic field is very

weak, almost non-existant. he got thinking, realizing that the magnetic fild deflects many

of the harmful radiation away from the earth, protecting us. he then did more research,

making timelines of the dates when the field was shifting, and comparing them to the

dates of massive extinctions, and he found that they coincided. when the field was

shifting, most life died. that brought up an interesting point. he then did a bunch of

calculations, and looked at the pattern. then he realized that not only would the next shift

destroy most every life, he also saw that we have been due for one for a few thousand

years.

Also, some other scientist have written a computer program, which knows all of

the current known laws of physics, and what it does is start a universe. somehow, in the

computers memory, the program made a simple universe(no life) without any outside

intervention. then after it was done, the scientists tested the virtual universe, and it had

basicaly the same structure as ours.

9/22/98 music, what a wonderful thing. as odd as it may sound, i didnt start listening to

music at all until my 7th grade year. that was when a new kid mved into the house across

the street from me. we soon became mostly best friends. anyways, he got me listening to

music. mostly rap and r&b. the stuff a good little preachers son isnt supposed to listen

too. i was infatuated by it. stuff that sounded cool, had low, loud bass and a earpleaseing

vocal part made me happy.

for some reason i never did, and still dont, appreciate the sound of the guitar. i

dont mind an acoustic, but i hate electric guitars, like when the y distor them and stuff. i

hated the styles of rock bader people, how they screamed, and how country whined. my

favorite music is r&b mixed with rap/hip-hop. i love songs that have a neat rhythm, and

an eerie vocal part. i et mesmerized by this. ists so hard to explain, but sonetimes when

im lstening to certain songs, i love them so much, they seem so perfect to me, that i could

almost cry. its not just the lyrics, although those help, but if it sounds really good, thats

mostly what counts.

then there is rap stuff, which most of i dont like, where the lyrics are completly

retarded. many rappers dont act like they even got their GED.

11/3/98 I havnt written in a long time, but here i am now. recently, i decided that after

my senior year, i am not going to go to colledge right away. i will wait at least 1 year,

enough to recouperate, to think, to learn.

In this one year off of school i will probably learn more things than everything

else combined. I was talking with one of my friends, when he asked me why i wasnt a

part of the dual-enrollment (when high school students take colledge classes for free

during school time.) well, i told him that i didnt want to be going to college whiile i was

still in high school. he said i was stupid, because i would not get the classes free if i took

them during real college.

Really, i dont care a whole lot about money. spending it or saving it. money to me

sorta something that is always an issue, but sorta one i never think about. im not rich, but

mostly the opposite. my family probably is a lower middle class family. I dont want to be

extra-burdened down by stupid college courses during my final high-school years. i

would rather pay for them and take them later.

also, i told him that i wasnt going to go to college right away, and once again he

said that i was dumb. i told him why and he said it was a stupid reason. i asked him why i

should go to school from when i was 4 until im 18, then go to college, then go work. he

said that i should because 95 percent of everyone does it. I replied, “Part of being and

individual and having high intelligence is realizing that one doesn’t have to do something

just becuase everyone does it. i am choosing my own destiny and have a feeling that it

will draw even more criticizm as i proceed through my “life”

(going back to school, back in a few hours)

I feel so out of place in ‘our’ society. many things that most people see as

common place occurances without even thinking that there may be an alternitive, i

completly protest. i wish i could find some area of unclaimed land somewhere and go

live there. i wouldmake my own country. we would be an “un-industrialized country”

probably, but it wouldnt matter. we would have no economy because we would have no

money. you could call it a really big commune, maybe. but these are just free thoughts

floating around in my head. i would be perfectly content, finding a companion and living

in the woods somewhere, in a big tree-house. we would be completely self-sufficient. we

wouldnt be on anyone’s mailing list, no-governments tax list we would just be us. us

living there, by ourselves. many would say it would be lonely, who knows, maybe it

would be. but maybe we could just start a small village of tree-dwelling people. actually,

i heard that somewhere in california there is a small colony of tree-dwelling habitants,

people who dont pay taxes, people that no-one really knows about. maybe i will try to

find them, to move in, or up...

I have many ambitions in life, things i would like to be, but i have so many of

them im sure that i could never settle for just one. i want to be a poet, i want to be an

artist, i want to be a composer (though i need to learn to play every instrument

first(which is another thing i would like to do)). i want to write stories, books and novels.

and recently i found that i like to take pictures and experiment with weird angles and

shots. some of which turned out really good even with my cheapo camera, well, its not

that cheap.

ah yes, today was election day. i voted. i voted for a congressman that just so

happens to go to my church. i know him and he is pretty cool, so i figured, why not... i

voted yes on proposal b, which was the assisted suicide thing. going along perfectly with

my belief that i shouldnt force my beliefs on other people, and knowing that know matter

how i turned out, no matter what i could have believed in right now besides what i do,

iwould love to be able to chose many things, whether or not it is assisted suicide. one

thing people need to realize is that if someone thinks something is wrong, it is only

wrong for them. its not necessarily wrong for someone else. many may think i am crazy,

but they most likely think this because they are afraid to think that others may not think

that things they think are wrong, arent thought of as wrong by others. Its so much easier

to say that someone is crazy than to actually look at what they are saying or believe, and

actually think about it.

my senior year english class is so terrible. so far all we have done is write

resimees, do work cited pages for a paper we wrote originally, then had to incorporate

sources into it from a few handouts. we have not done anything creative this year. i

usually do really good in english, because of writing things, things that i write, not mla

formats i copied out of a writers incorporated book. right now we are rwriting a friendl

letter with a work cited page. it is supposed to be in the righ tone, but for a friendly letter,

everyones style will be different, so that would be like an art teacher telling someone that

a thing they did wasnt art.

as soon as i start doing things in my english class that dont utterly bore me, things

that actually begin to tap into my creative mind, then my grades will improve. for some

reason i have trouble doing things that bore me, especialy if deep down i know that they

arent worthwhile.

there are things that happen every or most weeks that i look forwards too things

that help me make to the end, which of course begins a new and dull week. one of them

is reading the comics, not just the full color sunday comics, but also hte weekday ones. if

i dont read the comics one day, it just doesnt feel right. another thing, is dreaming. i

swerar that i never dreamed, i would commit suicid, because without m dreams, my

insight on the world would be so one-sided. also, my dreams are the ultimate escape from

our world. i may never need to get drunk to escape my troubles, if i get roubled, sleeping

would do the same thing, except the only side-affect is that if you sleep for too long then

you wont have as much energy. another thing is that every saturday (if im home) i watch

“soul train” its just a hour long dance shows, that has hip-hop and r&b singers on it. who

knows, maybe some day ill see my friend rob erbland on it. who knows.

today on the learning channel there was a program about neat death experiences.

it was reather intersting because they had a bunch of people at the end try to scientifically

explain things. the poeple that i hate. the ones that have to make everything so

controlled. the people who say that... anyway... there was this guy who was talking about

how we are who we are. he said tat our brain is a bunch of neurons, all connected to

eachother, although not every singles one is connected to another. i started thinking about

that. he said that who we are is determined by how all of our neurons are connected. then

he said that brain cells die occasionaly, severing the links to them. it would then be

possible of the death of one brain cell to completely alter your personality. that would be

feaky, to get hit in the head and be a different person. im now sure that that is what

appened to my dad. after he had an aniourismg in his brain he acted a lot differently. i

think that maybe it killed a few brain cels, and made him a different peroson.